Talking bread, talking heads, or bad reality: Our local TV options

G: To paraphrase a Springsteen song, we've got 42 channels and nothing on. Due to the international flavor of this hotel, we get a little of everything here TV-wise: Plenty of German channels, but also Russian, Polish, French, and Italian as well. As far as English-speaking channels, we have CNN Europe, BBC World news and... some MTV. I say "some" because this is MTV Germany, and more than half of their programming is in German. But at least I can actually watch music videos! An alien concept back home, I know-- music videos on MTV?!? Anyways, MTV Germany also airs old reality shows from the American market (from both VH1 and MTV), so German kids get to watch such tripe and long-ago cancelled shows like "I Love New York," "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequilla," "The Hills," "The Real World," "From G's to Gents," "Brooke Knows Best," "Next," and other assorted embarrasments in English with German subtitles. I shudder to think what the Germans think of the USA if this is their primary exposure-- because it shows that young Americans (at least the ones on TV) are a bunch of horned-out, low-IQ, astonishingly shallow famewhores. The real embarrasment? We find ourselves watching this crap, because it's in English, and you can only take so much world news-- if this junk were on my TV in Portland, I'd run out of the room.

One really weird program of note is on the German Kika network-- sort of like Nickelodeon or Disney, in that it's children's programming. At night though, they have been showing the same clip for months, in a constant loop. The character is "Bernd das Brot" (Bernd the Bread), and I could've sworn it was a sponge until somebody clued me in. Anyway, this is a talking loaf of bread, and he's a bit cranky. Supposedly, Bernd das Brot is funny stuff geared for kids, but this one clip seems very, um, existential to me-- mind you I really don't speak the language, but it basically entails Bernd in some sort of purgatory, and trying to escape and then this purgatory morphs into a hipster lounge at the very end. Just the puppet against a white screen. Talking. For 17 minutes. In a constant loop all night long. This must be stoner heaven. For the brave and foolhardy, this particular clip is available on You Tube ("Kika Lounge"), but you'd be better off reading a comic book, doing Soduku, trimming your nails or getting a head start on your Easter plans. Not that it stops me from checking it out when I'm flipping channels-- it's an absolute rubbernecker moment. But then again the only reason I'm flipping the TV is because "Pimp My Ride" is at commercial.