Q: When Is A Guy In A Red Suit And White Beard Not Santa? A: When You Live Here.

It's December 6th, the day German kids celebrate Nikolaus. It's important to stress that Sankt Nikolaus (Saint Nicholas, pictured) is in no way related to that jolly ol' soul generations know and love as Santa Claus... except that he kind-of is. Quite confusing, but then again, I still scratch my head as to why I have to sign things in triplicate to purchase a light fixture here.

Santa, that guy from all those cool TV shows when we were growing up (Burgermeister Meisterburger anyone? Heatmiser? Hello?), is known here as Weihnachtsmann, literally "Christmas Man," but routinely corrupted into the British term of "Father Christmas." Well, he and his stinking commercialized holiday happen on the 25th of December. The fact that Santa wears a red suit and has a white beard like Sankt Nikolaus is merely (cough cough) a coincidence. The name and date of the Nikolaus holiday comes from Nicholas of Myra, a Greek Christian bishop who died on December 6, 346 A.D. Nicholas of Myra was known for miracles, and for giving gifts to children. Just to muddy the waters, Nicholas of Myra is also identified with Santa Claus. But because Germans have some sort of inherent compulsion to make things way the hell more complicated than they need to be, beliefs and traditions about Nikolaus were probably combined with German mythology, particularly regarding stories about the bearded pagan god Odin, who also had a beard and a bag to capture naughty children.

More religiously oriented German parents encourage their children to leave out their shoes or boots for Nikolaus the night of the 5th; more accurately only one polished shoe, because (a.) two shoes makes you look greedy and (b.) polishing your kicks means you've been a good little boy or girl. Nik will come on his horse or donkey (the legend differs) sometime around midnight on the 5th and leave small gifts (coins, toys, sweets) in the boot just as the real Nicholas of Myra did back in the day. As for the naughty kids, would you believe that some family traditions have it that a switch (a tree branch or rod) is left in the boot, ostensibly for spankings, to tell the child that they don't deserve treats. Even more way out, in other families, a man disguised as St. Nicholas will visit the family or the child’s school alone or with his with his sinister-looking alter ego Knecht Ruprecht ("Farmhand Rupert" or "Servant Rupert," I'm not making this up) to question the children about their behavior. Children were often quite frightened of being questioned about their behavior because they’ve been told that Nikolaus will hurt them with his rod or even put them in a sack and take them away. Though the custom is in decline, in more Catholic regions, parents inform a local priest of naughty behavior. The priest then pays a personal visit wearing the traditional Christian garb to threaten the little rugrats with a beating. That couldn't possibly mess with impressionable young minds, could it?

So, to recap, in more religious households, there is the Nikolaus holiday which is the primary gift giving occasion, as well as Christmas (Weihnachten) itself, which is a celebration of Jesus' birth. Everybody clear? Good, because now I want to play my favorite video from my favorite Christmas Special-- Hermey The Elf (from Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, duh) is The Man, but his theme song ("I'm Just A Misfit") doesn't quite rock the house like this one does-- man, I spent half my college days with the following hairdo:



Frohen Nikolaus everybody!